Shark Beast 2: Paranormal Sharkitivity Read online

Sadie Sienna

  Finally Realizes Something

  "This is the house where this really happened? This is the real place?"

  "Well, technically --"

  "I can NOT believe you brought me -- a superstar of my stature -- out here in some desperate danger zone. A danger zone -- me. Unacceptable. Un-ACCEPT-A-BULL! Why, if I still had an agent--!"

  "Well, now that I think about it, it's more a rumor, really--"

  "Unacceptable! I'm going to sue you, I'm going to sue this stupid company. And not just fun PR suing, no -- real lose your shirt and pants suing. I am going to sue you -- hard. I am going to bring you down. Down."

  "Wow. You are unbelievably sexy when you go off on a tangent. Have a drink."

  "No. You're not changing my mind. You are going down. Downtown down."

  "Hey, good for you. Take it to the man. I'm proud of you. Seriously. Have a drink."

  "No way, nice try, forget about it," she said, of course taking the drink. "Don't you try to get on my good side -- didn't you hear what I said? You're going down. I know this whole set-up. I know what's what."

  "Of course you do. Have a drink, though. Sip at least."

  "I know everything. Nothing gets by me." She took the drink. Took a sip. Then a longer sip. "Nothing. No-not-a-thing."

  She gave him a threatening glare --

  -- then held out her glass for more.

  Looking chagrined (though a satisfied grin was fighting its way through), Jake the Producer obediently refilled her glass. And started taking her top off. And kept on smiling...

  Yessiree, looks like I might have changed this beautiful nutcase's mind... everything's totally under control...

  ~ ~ ~

  Twenty minutes later.

  In Mike's office. Mike wasn't there.

  Twenty two minutes later.

  Found Mike on the back patio.

  "Wow. Finished, finally?" Mike grinned. "Sounds like you two had quite a session. So, can I go to sleep, now, or --"

  "We gotta go."

  "What--?"

  "We gotta go."

  "Go? Now? Where--?"

  "Let's talk about it in the van."

  "We're not going in the van again! Just tell me now, out here, what are you talking about--?"

  "We all have to leave. Right now."

  "J the P, what are you talking about?"

  "We have to vacate the premises, pronto. As in five minutes ago."

  "Is this post sex gibberish? Because it sounds more than your usual freaky producer yabba."

  "Nah. Real deal, unfortunately. She found out this place is where the real shark thing happened, and she freaked. I thought I could distract her by getting her drunk and having mindblowing sex but -- no go. So -- gotta go. All of us. Now."

  "She's just now figuring out this beach house was one of the victim's places? It was in the press release. It's the tag line on the poster."

  "Look, she's a trainwreck, okay? You know it, I know it. A trainwreck don't make sense. So why are you trying to make sense of it?"

  "But -- she just got here! She's not famous enough to be this crazy anymore. And what about the movie? This isn't like you. You're letting a chick make you derail a movie? One of your movies? You know that line you'll never work in this town again, that usually means nothing? If you blow this, it'll mean something."

  "I know, but I can't help it. I think... I think I'm in love."

  "With what? That redhaired crazy train?"

  "I know, it's insane, it'll never work, but... I got to follow my heart, man. I love that freaked out bimbo. And if we don't get her out of here right here and now -- tonight -- she's going to sue me, you, the company, and that shark creature if she figures out how. No choice -- we gotta go."

  "Why don't you just take her then? I can finish the movie--"

  "What are you -- some off the Tinsel Town bus virgin? Don't you know how divas work? If she can't be in the movie, she's sure not going to let anyone else be in the movie while she's off suing everyone. She knows the publicity could make the movie super famous, and she can't have that. The movie has to fall apart, so she can come off as someone so talented that movies fall apart without her. Get it? C'mon, man, this isn't your first day in Hollywood, keep up. You're embarrassing yourself."

  "She's thought it that far through, you think?"

  "Hey, drunk, drugged out, loony tuned beyond the beyond, an actress never loses her art of self-preservation. It's like I'm talking to a Martian here. Now, load up the good stuff and let's go. Maybe we drive her around long enough we can make her come to her senses, or what's left of them. Avert this whole thing."

  "So, we're not really leaving. We're pretending we're leaving."

  "Well, depends."

  "On what?"

  "If I can change her ever-changing mind."

  "Do you think you can do it?"

  "Usually, I'd be all yeah, no problem. But this nutcase, she's a professional nutcase. She really knows all the angles of the insanity pyramid. But we really don't have a choice, do we?"

  "The insanity what -- never mind. So where we supposed to go? Or pretend to go?"

  "Just drive around in circles, man. Act the part. I'll be in the back seat, keeping her occupied, so she won't know you're just fake-driving around. Maybe we'll call her bluff. If she really thinks we'll stop production because of her, she'll think twice. If she blows this gig, even the dregs of Hollyweird won't hire her. She'll be doing bachelor parties and car shows next -- if she's lucky."

  "So how long do we have to drive Miss Cuckoo Bird around? All night?"

  "Who can tell -- like I said, she's freaked out about the shark business. Says we dragged her here under false pretenses. Or something like that, she was going off in all directions. Having sex with her and getting her blitzed helped, but it's only a temporary distraction. That's why you have to really sell it -- like the gig's really over. You have to play the responsible one. Plus, you have to be cool around the darkhaired girl, in front of the diva. I don't know what you two might or might not have going on, but you can't let Sienna get any idea that you're playing favorites. So give what's-her-name the cold shoulder until we get this settled."

  "Wow, that's all I have to do. No problem."

  "Just do your best, okay? I know it's a pain, but welcome to --"

  "--showbiz, kiddo, yeah, I know."

  "You're a brother, brother!"

  "Fine -- oh, what about the dog? You know, the Irish terrier in the viking helmet?"

  "What? Please. Wait -- leave it here. That might be enough for her to come back for. In case the other stuff doesn't work. It's like one of her trademarks. Besides, you don't want that thing in your backseat. You should see the motorcycle sidecar."

  "Fine, whatever, I'll pass. Let's just get this over with. Why not drive around in circles in the middle of the night trying to have a lawsuit intervention with a Hollywood space cadet and her lovesick producer. What else better do I have to do."

  "Coolio, m'man. I knew you'd see the situation, my man. Oh, and take all the most expensive equipment, in case we don't come back for awhile. I'm going upstairs, and get that footlocker."

  "Footlocker? Why?"

  "Are you kidding, those flash grenades-- we can't leave those things laying around. We could go to prison, man."

  "What? But you said--"

  "Dude. You can yell at me while I ignore you later, bus leaves in ten minutes."

  ~ ~ ~

  Nine minutes, 45 seconds later.

  Wow, this is serious, Mike thought. Crazy loon-actress actually showed up on time, for once.

  "Now don't try to talk me out of anything, because it's not going to work," Sadie Sienna demanded, her hair tangles and snarls, her expression much the same. "You're all going down down down."

  She stomped her foot on each down down down and then went down down down herself face-first.

  Mike looked at Katherina, and then they both looked at Jake the P.

  "You think she's--?" Jake t
he P started to say --

  Just as Sadie staggered back to her feet.

  "Wh-what just happened?" she muttered, loopily. "You're so lucky I'm a dancer, or that would have been you, man. All of you. Even you, girl who thinks she's pretty. But you're so ... so..."

  She stood there, trying to see through the words cluttering up her head. Finally, she just exhaled deeply, waving her hands vaguely. "Just... get in the car. Take me out of here."

  "We're gonna get in the car. Gonna take you outta here."

  "Yeah, I know you are. You better. Shark monster liars."

  She started to get into the car, then stood there, looking -- suddenly -- very confused, and puzzled. Like she didn't know why she was there, or where she was going.

  Then, the once-upon-an-actress draped herself arms and elbows over the hood, babbling.

  Great, mused Mike. This plan is just going aces, isn't it? We haven't even gotten into the car.

  Her head lifted, groggily.

  "Ohhh..." You could tell she wanted to insult someone somehow, but couldn't put the words together. This caused a pause, and she was aware of that, and she was starting to feel judged for it -- her defense shields were visibly raising --

  Then her expression went hopeless.

  But only for about a half second. Then she had the meanest look on her face that Mike had ever seen on a woman -- and he'd seen a lot of angry women in his day.

  Her teeth bared.

  Her eyes narrowed.

  Everyone else froze, afraid to do or say anything that would rekindle her wrath.

  Her eyes narrowed even more.

  Then:

  "You people are my only friends," she said, with a withering sigh like she was about to cry.

  She gawked at everyone, with a weird sort of partial smile, stood up (wobbily) and then fell flop-forward into Jake the P's surprised arms, and started making out so rough and wild that the both of them toppled sideways right into the back seat, their tangled feet protruding from the open door.

  Mike stood there, letting loose an oooh isn't this wonderful sigh, while Katherina, quite dryly, gave him a soft understanding look as she casually kneed the make-out twins' protruding feet into the car far enough so she could shut the door -- which she did, slam -- and casually took her place in the passenger side of the front seat.

  "Ooo-keee doke, let's get this clown parade on the road," Mike sighed (just loud enough for Katherina to giggle in agreement)...

  ... as he headed to the driver's side, preparing for a very looong and pointless diva road trip...

  And ...

  Tentacle FIFTEEN

  Gonna Be A Looong Ride

  Mike and Katherina up front.

  Jake the P and Pain-In-The-Actress in back.

  The doors had hardly slammed, and there were already disgusting sounds burbling from the back.

  Gonna be a looong ride, Mike sighed.

  And he cranked the engine.

  ~ ~ ~

  The sounds in the back seat got louder. Mostly from the Pain-In-The-Actress. She was in aren't I outrageous?-ville. Even in the car, she had to be the center of attention, so as they made out, her and J the P, rather sloppily, in a way that normal people would consider fairly embarrassing, even if there weren't other people listening just inches away. But all that didn't bother Sienna at all -- matter of fact, seemed to egg her on. She made ever-increasing ooohs and ahhhs...

  Now, what kind of reaction she particularly wanted, it was hard to say. But whatever it was, she wasn't getting it -- so she got a little louder. There was talk about taking the bra off, or pulling it down, or licking this, licking that...

  Mike was really getting annoyed.

  Not for himself, he didn't care, he'd heard all this (and more) before-- he'd done hard time on the Jake the Producer Perv Variety Hour many times before. Taken part in one or two episodes, though that was a long while ago, and not something he was real proud of. Still, he didn't care what the two of them did back there, go at it, man, have at it, but just keep it down, a little, because --

  (of Katherina)

  Yeah.

  Katherina.

  He knew the thing to do was make a joke out of it, somehow, so he could get his point across without calling anyone out directly, and if it were just Jake the P and one of his usual skanks, no problem--

  But this one.

  She wasn't one to be told what to do, hint or no hint.

  "Oh, now, don't lick there, I'm ticklish down there--"

  Mike made a face. Looked into the rear view, see if he could catch Jake the P's eye, maybe send a silent signal, hey, hey, c'mon, cool it, man...

  Instead, he caught the trainwreck's eye.

  They traded glances for just a second--

  But in that instant, he could tell she knew what he was thinking, and, further more, he could tell she didn't care. It was obvious in that one glance -- more than obvious -- that she was hoping he'd say something, and then, hoo boy! she'd pull rank you'd never seen and boom! you think you're embarrassed now -- I'll show you embarrassed --

  After all, even as a disgraced no-longer A-list trainwreck, she still outranked everyone in the car. In this vehicle of losers, like it or not, she was top-billed, and that was that. And Mike could tell Jake the P was going to do what all producers did --

  Keep The Talent happy.

  No matter how outrageous their behavior.

  "...that's my thong, you dirty you, that's... hey, two can play that game ..."

  Her glance went poison.

  Mike's expression went hard.

  He wasn't putting up with this.

  So he turned on the radio, and cranked it up.

  "I don't like that song," Sienna huffed, immediately, sensing someone daring to test her limits. "Turn it off. Now."

  Mike gave her a look in the rear view. One that stated: Nope. This one wasn't laying down. This one was saying, look, you selfish little trampoline skanktopus--

  "I don't like it either," Katherina said, dryly, quite abruptly, and she reached over and cranked it off.

  This caught everyone off-guard -- well, honestly, it caught everyone in the car whose name wasn't Katherina off-guard.

  A long silence.

  Then, from the "actress" -- "Ahhh, ha, you got outvoted. Shows you."

  Then, apparently pleased that things had gone her way, she went back to her oversized ooohs and ahhhs.

  After a moment, Mike couldn't help himself.

  He looked over at Katherina.

  She was smiling at him, conspiratorially.

  Mike realized --

  She diffused the situation, so I wouldn't get in trouble with the Queen Tease.

  Katherina knew the score. And wasn't holding it against him.

  So he smiled back.

  And she nodded, no problem.

  The next few miles, even with all the melodramatic groans and moans and thong snapping, weren't so bad after all.

  ~ ~ ~

  Eventually, she got bored.

  ~ ~ ~

  Mike squinted into the dark windshield.

  "Why you drivin' so slow, up there?" Sienna grunted. Suspiciously sly-eyed.

  "I think I see something," Mike said, leaning forward, trying to make it out in the fog.

  "Well, whoop-yer-do."

  "That car, by the side of the road..." More to himself than out loud, as Mike squinted even harder. "That looks like ... Cameraman Bob's ride."

  Sienna leaned deep into the back seat, crossing her arms primly in front of her still naked-chest, and then, in a condescending voice: "You sure find uninteresting stuff interesting."

  Mike hard-eyed the windshield: "Jake the P, check that out, isn't that--?"

  Jake was in the back, beyond-satisfied, almost asleep. He tried to rustle up some interest in what was going on, but it wasn't really happening. "What's that, bud?"

  J the P reached his hand vaguely for Sienna's thigh. She deflected him, with extreme prejudice.

  Mike's hard-eye
d glare grew harder, as he flicked his brights.

  "No, that is ... it is Cameraman Bob's ride. It's even got his --"

  "Well, how important and fiddle-de-doo, let's all take a nice close look then!" Sienna huffed, with more sarcasm than seemed possible from an alleged human being. Mike's eyes popped open as the Trainwreck Skank leaned forward suddenly and threw her arms around Mike and started twisting the steering wheel.

  "What you doin'!" Mike howled.

  Everything -- surprise, surprise -- went real bad, real fast.

  ~ ~ ~

  The wheel jerked, the car swerved, the headlights splashed wildly--

  "Watch ooout!"

  "What are you--!"

  "Stop, get back--"

  "You stupid--"

  --splashing spastically across a skeletal tree -- a flash -- right in front of the swerving car--

  "Wheeee!" Sienna bellowed in Mike's ear, flailing her arms, jerking the steering wheel --

  Killing the engine instantly.

  The car thump-shuddered, and simply rolled to the side of the dirt road, bouncing lightly to a stop a few yards away from Cameraman Bob's (seemingly) abandoned vehicle.

  Everyone was thrown on top of each other. Sienna shoved Jake the P to the side with an airy grunt, leaned forward, flailing her arms above and around Mike again. "Good job, jerk! Learn to drive!" -- cackling spitefully, daring anyone to point any fingers in her sloppy direction. She still didn't have any top on.

  "Get offa me, you skank," Mike said, shrugging hard, peering through the windshield.

  Sienna stopped flailing. "WHAT did you SAY to ME?"

  "Wha?" Jake the P asked, leaning forward a little, keeping his eye on the actress's wriggling rear. (Man, even her bum is a movie star!)

  "You get him out of the car right now! I want him fired! And deported! And punch him out! Nobody talks to me like that! NOBODY!" Sienna yelped, slapping Mike on the back -- which pushed even his mild manners to the limit. Without looking away from the windshield, he elbowed her, popped her in the side of the head. Her eyes went egg-white and she slumped into the back seat, her palm pressed to the side of her face, her ever-widening eye peeping through. Her mouth was wide and round and appalled.

  "Kill him," she growled. Then, glaring at Jake the P with volcano-heated hate. "Did you hear me, trash? KILL HIM!"